12 Gauge Whack
by Supreme Dakari Lord Cerventes
Summary: Songfic to Shotgun Divorce by Lordi. Post HBP. Sometimes a shotgun is the only way to end a relationship...


Okay, guys. I'm a HUGE fan of Lordi, the awesome rock band from Finland. In case you haven't heard of them, they dress up in sweet monster costumes, and have won Eurovision 2006 (YEAH GO LORDI)! Anyway, in honor of this, I decided to write this songfic to the lyrics of the song "Shotgun Divorce". Yes, I know… this ISN'T the best Lordi song by a long shot (pardon the pun, lol). That honor goes to "Hard Rock Hallelujah", which rocked Eurovision! But I talk to much! Let's start the story, Early morning, she was already up.

* * *

28-year-old Hermoine Granger was up early one morning. She and her lover were on the way to a vacation in Vegas. Harry and her had been married for 5 years, ever since her previous husband, her "beloved" Ron, mysteriously died of the cholera. Or was it _really_ the cholera?_The plants were watered, her bags were packed_

Hermoine had finished watering all the plants and packing the bags since Harry was still in bed; just as she had planned. She was euphorically looking forward to spending a week of booze, gambling and regeneration with the man she loved. But was the man she loved really Harry?

_Without warning she gave him a slug_

"Hey Honey." Harry said, waking up and yawning, "You going somewhere?"

"_Oh, yes _Harry, I _am_ going somewhere. Unfortunately, you're _not_ going with me!"

Before he could do anything, she pulled out her family's shotgun seemingly out of nowhere, and aimed.

_Now her husband's slaughtered_

"What the… Hermoine? Ahhhh, noooooOOOOO!" Harry screamed, scrambling over the bed.

_with a 12 gauge whack_

Without a word, Hermoine pulled the trigger, sending the slug into his chest. Harry flew back 4 feet, and hit the bedpost.

_Stranglehold of fear - It still won't disappear_

"Ehhghghh.. Her… mione… wh.. wh.. why?"

_It's growing stronger - And still he's watching her_

"He he he! HA HA HA" Hermione was as giddy as a little girl. From out of the shadows a dark figure emerged. Harry could just barely make the face out, but it looked like….

_Again she's leaving home - Again she's all alone_

"Dra… dra... Malfoy?" Harry couldn't believe his clouded eyes.

Hermione maniacally grinned. "Oh, _yes_. Isn't my new fiance wonderful? We're getting married! You'd be our man of honor, but it looks to me like you have a _previous_ engagement, isn't that right 'my love'?"

_Again she knows exactly what to do_

Draco smiled at the writhing Harry. "Hermione _dear_, we really _should_ be going."

"Oh, _yes_ darling. You run along ahead. I just have _one_ last thing to do to get ready."

Draco put on his sunglasses that matched his $40,000 dollar white suit and got into his stolen Ferrari Enzo. As he waited, Hermione dragged a bloody, dying Harry by the heels down the stairs into the basement.

"Herm… io… ne… b… but… why?" Harry croaked. Hermione just grinned as she took out a crowbar and removed three planks from the floor.

"Welcome to your final resting place, _dearest_. I hope you find it as _suitable_ as its _previous_ inhabitant. _Oh_, I almost forgot. Did I mention you have a… _roomate_?"

_Like with the others before_

"R… ron?" Harry was shocked at the sight of his decrepid friend's corpse, only recognizable by the trademark Weasly red shock of hair.

"Oh, _pleaasseee_, Harry." You didn't _really_ believe that a _gold_-rush era disease killed you best friend? But then again, you always _did_ get low marks on your OW_L_s…" At that moment, Harry noticed the empty jug of gasoline in her hands.

_This time around, yeah it's kinda final_

"Hermoine… you… your no… not going to…"

"Make this house your funeral pyre? Oh _yes_! I can't wait to see the look on your face. Ha ha ha! The finality of it all! I _love_ it!" As she stepped onto the stairs, she pulled out her shotgun, and fired at the propane tanks in the left side of the basement.

"Hermoi… Herm… no…" Harry moaned, blood spilling out of his eyes.

"Oh, don't worry, _darling_. I'll let you put it out. Here…" Hermoine threw him his wand, landing at his feet. "Go on Harry, put out the fire! Use a spell."

Unfortunately, Harry could not use his arms.

_Ride 'till you fall_

"HA HA HA!" Hermoine threw her head up in the air and expressed her feelings of lust, love, and sin. "You can't move your arms because of my…" she grinned, "_12- gauge whack_…" As Hermoine bounded up the stairs, she stopped, and smiled. "Ta ta, Harry boy!", leaving him helpless and alone.

_Then the shotgun divorce_

Hermoine noticed that an explosion was about to rock the house. Using her powers, she did a flip out the window and into the passenger seat of the Enzo.

"What _took_ you so _long_?" Draco asked chuckling, as the house exploded in a brilliant array of colors.

"Lets just say I had a… _hot date_!" Hermoine joked.

The two chuckled at the funny pun, and floored the accelerator at 120 miles per hour, away from the scene of the shotgun divorce.

_It's her way out and she can't deny_

"So tell me, darling, how _did _you think of that _ingenious_ way of killing your husband?"

"I guess it's my hobby. I can't deny it. I really _love_ to _indulge_ myself in these…. '_affairs'_!"

"I know, but… don't do it to _me_!" Draco said with amusement.

"Oh, _Draco_, you make me laugh! _Ha_ ha HA!"

_She loves to kill and she kills for love_

In a reflective mood, she leaned back and closed her eyes. "Draco, you know I _love_ to… _kill_." Hermoine snuggled into his shoulder. "But I kill… _for love_."

"You do it for _me_. _How_ romantic!"

"I _know_!" Hermoine dramatized with much laughter and vengence.

_Autumn leaves keep falling on the ground_

(Three months later)

Hermione had been married to Draco for three months, and their marriage had been a whirlwind affair of intrigue, lust, and redemption. Outside of Draco's $320,000,000 Malibu estate, Hermione stood on the top of a fall foliated high hill that was part of one of Draco's twelve 18-hole golf courses. Hermione was livin' large off of Draco's corporate empire money.

_Someday she knows that they will try to hunt her down_

The whole cover story of the "accidential fire" blew over pretty well, but there was some suspect of arson. Malfoy had paid off the sheriff into believing that a drunken Harry Potter had started the fire, and shot himself after. Even so, Hermoine was still nervous that justice would catch up with her. She couldn't sleep at night, and there was nothing Draco could do to comfort her.

_Plain revulsion, no love can be found_

Although there was no love between her and Harry, she still was haunted by the image of his broken body burning. Sure she enjoyed it, but it was still disgusting.

_After all is said and done there is no rebound_

Sometimes, she felt she could not go back to her former life. The murders were a heavy burden, and she knew that karma would catch up with her

_Now she's living scared_

_Even though she cared_

Hermoine had killed them for Draco, for his safety and love. And yet, she always thought she made a mistake. But maybe, it was the best decision she ever made. She was torn, like a doll that had been ripped up by a hunting dog.

_He is gone_

_His head blown off_

And even the wealth and love could not chase the image of Harry's dead body away from her. A dead body, who's head likely exploded in the inferno. Exploded because of lust…

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PLEASE tell me what you think! Read and review, please. I love you all! Listen to Lordi and ROCK OUT! 


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